Toasted Tweets | Feb. 8, 2017

As we all know, the world is crumbling into a downward spiral, face-first into the abyss that opens into hell’s foyer. But there’s always room for… Jell-O? Yes, and laughter, which is the best medicine, they say, except for our favorite green friend—and I’m not talking about the Jolly Green Giant, Shrek or the Hulk, though they’re all cool too, as far as green friends go. The Tweetists below create and curate laughs, mostly for a living, and I’m glad they are alive at this time to help us all cope with the state of affairs. So, this week, spark up a doobie, (if you call it that still and are on Twitter, I’m impressed) get cozy and read some laughable quotes, jokes, bits, and hahas in the form of the following tweets.

I ripped a hole in my infinity scarf and I'm worried that I've damaged the fabric of space time.

— Katie Hannigan (@katiehannigan) February 7, 2017

I got fired as a porn star because I kept eating the pizza that was being ignored

— The Deducers (@TheDeducers) February 6, 2017

Men, PAY ME TO MAKE YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILES YOU ARE SO BAD AT IT OMG NO PICS OF YOU DRINKING OR SHIRTLESS OR BLURRY OR WITH GIRLS/HATS

— alison becker (@thealisonbecker) February 7, 2017

I would love it if, just once, someone in a TV show or movie had a devastating breakup on a sunny day.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) January 13, 2017

A funny thing is a zebra who keeps asking everyone if his stripes are slimming. Not sure if zebras can talk but I would like to see it.

— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) February 6, 2017

I hope the travel ban doesn't affect the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future from visiting Trump later this year.

— Ted Alexandro (@tedalexandro) February 4, 2017

My sister just told me she has NEVER seen drama and controversy like the stuff she's seen in her Plant Identification Facebook group

— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) February 7, 2017

Dear Satan, Thank you for not putting on/off switches or reboot buttons on modems!

— Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) December 15, 2016

Could god pack a bowl so big he couldn't smoke it?

— Myka Fox (@MykaFox) February 3, 2017

Does Crest White-stripping count as a job search action?

— Kara Buller (@karabuller) January 5, 2017

Last week in Toasted Tweets: Meowijuana

from
http://hightimes.com/culture/toasted-tweets-feb-8-2017/